So How Big Is It?
by TakoMaguro
Summary: Maylene always seems to find herself in unlikable situations, however, this one takes the proverbial cake. How does she always end up embarrassing herself in front of Mr. Sebastian? And how will he react to the question Bard dared her to ask?


**This came to me from absolutely nowhere… It has NOTHING to do with Simply Observing. It's just pure crack.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters I'm about to use here, though I am treating them like I do. ;D**

-x-

She didn't know how it happened, but somehow, Maylene found herself in Bard and Finian's room with the both of them and Mr. Tanaka with a rather large bottle of brandy. The four of them were sitting in a circle. Well, Mr. Tanaka was lying down. Who knew he'd be such a lightweight? Anyway, her boots, stockings and apron had come off sometime during this game Bard had introduced them to, and both he and Finian were still fully clothed. How unfair.

Yes, they were playing a drunken game of Truth Or Dare. How this began, Maylene was uncertain of. However, it was her turn, and she decided she wanted to embarrass Bard since he was usually picking on her for being so clumsy. She pushed up her glasses and leaned forward on her knees, looking straight at him. "Truth or Dare," she slurred slightly, the alcohol definitely getting to her.

"Truth," he immediately responded. Somehow, he knew Maylene's plan.

_Damn, _she thought. _What do you ask someone like him?_ She pondered for a good few minutes as Finian raised his hand, making sounds that Maylene thought resembled a chimpanzee she once saw at a zoo. _ Uhhh…_

Finally, an idea came to her. "Baaaaaaaard~~~" she almost sang. "Have you ever been in loooooove~~?" Not an embarrassing question she knew, but she could follow up next time with more embarrassing questions depending on his answer. And of course, right after she asked this question she had thought of a better one. Maybe she'd get another chance to ask him a question. She was dying to know his answer anyway.

Well, Bard's answer was a no, he had not been in love with a person, but he was in love with art. His own version of art he added. "Cooking is art, and art is an explosion." Yes, she remembered him saying that on more than one occasion.

So now it was Bard's turn. He asked Finian to pick truth or dare, and Finian had picked truth as well. Maylene found this game to be rather boring with only three people, but there was no way Sebastian or the Young Master would play. She wasn't particularly paying attention to what Bard asked Finian, but she assumed it had to do with where the younger boy was prior to being picked up by Sebastian. Finian's past certainly was interesting, but right now, Maylene had to focus on the question she wanted to ask Bard her next turn. If her mind strayed, she'd forget it, and she knew.

It seemed like ages later when Finian was finished telling his story, of course mentioning with a deep blush on his face that he was glad to finally be able to go outside. "So Maylene~" She knew he'd call on her. They'd been going around in a circle since Mr. Tanaka passed out. "Truth or Dare~"

She took a moment to think. Should she pick truth and possibly save herself from humiliation? Or should she pick dare and be different from the surprisingly weak boys? She decided on truth, knowing Finian's dare would probably involve her having to run around the mansion singing a child's nursery rhyme. "Truth."

Bard and Finian chuckled; evil looks in their eyes. She'd made a mistake. She should have picked dare. "Shit" she said to herself, somehow knowing what was coming.

"DO YOU LOVE MR. SEBASTIAN?" Finian all but yelled out. Maylene immediately tackled him, her hand over his mouth as she shushed him.

_HE PROBABLY HEARD THAT! _Maylene panicked. Bard pulled her off Finian and ordered her to answer or she'd have to take off another article of clothing.

Yes, that's how she was slowly finding herself stripping. She'd refused dares and truths. Finian suddenly found it necessary to inform Bard that she'd run out of saves, and that she had to answer. No. Matter. What.

Her face was now about the same colour as her hair. She didn't want to answer, even though her reaction to the question probably made it obvious.

"You have to answer, May," Bard teased.

"Yeah~ You have to~" Finian chimed in on Bard's teasing.

Lovely, right? When the people who are supposed to be your only friends team up against you and make you answer something you don't want to. That's exactly how Maylene felt.

With a crimson face that alcohol was only partially responsible for, Maylene began to answer the question. She stuttered however, making Bard ask her to repeat herself several times.

"Y-YES!" She eventually screamed at the two pestering boys.

"I knew it." Finian deadpanned uncharacteristically.

"Yeah, it was pretty obvious," Bard commented before lighting the cigarette that hung idly in between his lips. "You're so much more of an oaf when he's around."

At this, Maylene threw Bard's ashtray at him with surprising accuracy. He barely dodged it before it hit the wall behind him, leaving a small indentation in the dry wall. He and Finian stared at the wall for a good few moments before turning back to Maylene and staring at her for another few moments.

She "hmph'd" and decided to get along with the game. She'd get Bard with that question of hers now as a revenge. She'd get back at Finian later. She knew Bard would pick truth again, so she sat back and casually asked "Truth or Dare?"

Bard proved her right by answering with "truth," and she proceeded to ask him her devious question. "So, Bard," she had a mischievous look on her face, and Bard wasn't too sure he liked where this was going. Maylene herself was surprised at the amount of courage she had for asking him the question that was about to pass through her lips, but she lowered her glasses to see over the top rim, letting him know she meant business. "Exactly how _big _are you?"

The room became silent.

Bard and Finian stared at her like she'd gone insane. They knew she was lecherous, but to just come out and directly ask something like that was a whole new level for the maroon haired maid. However, if he looked closely at her through the dim light, he could see she was blushing slightly.

"This big," he smirked and held up his hands to show about seventeen centimeters.

There were mixed reactions with this: Maylene blushed and a few drops of blood leaked from her nose. She quickly wiped it away before anyone could notice.

However, Finian's response was completely different. "HE'S LYING!" the boy shouted. "I saw the other day when you were dressing! It's only this big!" Finian held his hands to about ten centimeters. "BARD HAS TO STRIP FOR LYING!"

Bard's face turned as red as spring's roses and he felt the need to return fire on Finian. "NO!" he countered. "IT WAS REALLY COLD THAT DAY! AND BESIDES, AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A BABY PENIS!"

"BUT I'M STILL GROWING, BARD! YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP!" Finian yelled back.

Maylene just sat there giggling as they argued, and Mr. Tanaka sat up briefly to enquire as to when they were resuming the game, and Bard and Finian got serious again. Bard suddenly had an ingenious idea. More ingenious than cooking the Christmas ham with a flamethrower. More ingenious than using a grenade to cook the fish Sebastian had taken time to catch from the nearby stream. He smirked most evilly at Maylene, and she knew she was in trouble. "May. Truth or Dare?"

Somewhere in the background, Finian was complaining about his turn being skipped.

She should NOT have asked him that question. However, she would not risk him asking her an equally embarrassing question, like if she was still a virgin, or if she'd let Nina touch her in indecent ways. She shook her head of the thought and stared determinedly back at the pyromaniac chef. "Dare."

Bard's smirk widened and she knew her mistake. "I dare you to go up to Sebastian and ask him the question you just asked me."

Maylene about died. There was NO way she could ask him that! He'd probably ask her what she'd been drinking, or if she was on drugs.

"Oh," Bard felt necessary to include something else to her humiliation. "You have to wear these." He handed her a headband with cat ears on it and a cat tail with a safety pin to attach to the back of her dress. Finian stopped caring about his skipped turn. This seemed like a much better outcome than what he had planned for the maid.

Great. Not only would he think of her as a pervert, but he'd think she was crazy as well. How was it that Maylene constantly found herself in such unlikable situations? Especially unlikable situations that involved embarrassing herself in front of the only man she'd ever loved; the man who saved her from a life of regret?

She grabbed the cat ears and tail and glared at the two males as she put the headband on and fastened the tail to the back of her skirts.

"No, no," Bard began to correct her. "You have to fasten it to the back of your undergarments so it looks more realistic.

She glared at him harder, doing as he said while murmuring something that sounded to the tall blonde like "There's nothing realistic about this, at all."

"Yeah, but a little birdie told me that Sebastian has a thing for cats," Bard winked at her. "This might get you on his good side."

"A little birdie?" She immediately glared at Finian, who hid under the blanket he'd stripped off his bed a while ago. Once she'd finished fastening the tail, she crossed her arms over her chest. "So how does it look?" She span about, giving the boys a better view.

The blondes blushed. "It's actually pretty cute," Bard admitted with a small blush on his face.

"There's no way Mr. Sebastian would turn you down looking like that!" Finian gushed, yet somehow it did little to improve the maid's confidence.

"Thanks… I guess," she murmured. "Wish me luck." She quickly left the room, hearing the two boys shout "GOOD LUCK" to her from beyond the door. "And please hope I do—"

"DON'T DIE!" She heard Bard's voice call. "I WON'T HAVE A SEXY MAID TO LOOK AT IF YOU DON'T COME BACK!"

Maylene blushed. This was not helping. She pushed up her glasses and set about on her way to find the head butler of the Phantomhive Mansion.

This was no easy task. The manor was rather large. She searched the kitchen, he wasn't there. Nor was he in the pantry. He wasn't in the main hall, or on the staircase. He wasn't in his quarters, and he wasn't in the Young Master's bedroom preparing the bed for the small Earl to sleep in.

Finally, she came to the door of the Young Master's office, and she heard Sebastian's voice telling the Young Master his bed was prepared for sleep. She'd found him! Gently, she knocked on the door, and the Earl Phantomhive called for her to enter.

Upon seeing Maylene, Sebastian's eyes widened. What was going on? How had she found out his fetish? Of course he'd play it off cool, like he always did. He still hated her as a person. He smiled and asked her why she was there.

She was _dreading_ asking him this question, especially in front of the Young Master, but a dare's a dare. She HAD to do it.

"M-Mr. S-Sebastian," she stuttered.

"Yes, Maylene?" He smiled at her, his patience already thin.

"H-How…" she started. "Exactly… How… _'big' _are you?" She looked at the floor, somewhat expecting to be slapped. No such thing came. She looked up at him to see his eyes widened in shock, a light blush on his face. Was this really Mr. Sebastian?

"Go on, Sebastian," Ciel coaxed, smirking. "It's rude to leave a lady waiting."

Sebastian looked at his master briefly before turning back to Maylene with his signature smile on his lips, eyes crinkled. "It's this big." With his words, he held his hand to show about 22 centimeters, and blood immediately spurted out of Maylene's nose. Unconscious was she, and so Ciel ordered Sebastian to take her back to her room.

As the demon carried her bridal style to her quarters, Bard and Finian stuck their heads out the door, and peaked in as Sebastian tucked her into her bed.

"These really suit you, Maylene," Sebastian whispered to her unconscious form.

Bard and Finian just stared at the scene in shock.

Fin.

-x-

**I would like to say… In case you didn't know, seventeen cm = about seven inches, ten cm = about four inches, and twenty-two cm = about nine inches. **

**There will be no sequel or second chapter. This is purely a one shot.**

**ALSO. I would like to reiterate that this is completely crack, and it came to me from absolutely nowhere. Flamers can eff off. I KNOW there is some OOC.**

**ALSO ALSO. It's dedicated to Tea Whore. Kthnxbai.**


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